POWEr… Looking for the balance
by Elisa
Power…what arises in you when you hear that word? Satisfaction? Envy? Gratitude? Humility? Is power something you feel you have or something you want? Does the idea of power draw and seduce you, or repel you? Do you know what your responsibilities are when holding positions of power? Where do you feel powerful in your life? When do you feel you are lacking in power? How do you find the balance in power dynamics?
This blog looks at the tricky subject of power, the experience of having power over and being under the power of others, and the responsibilities that come with both sides of the dynamic.
The recent Spring Equinox (20th March) brought with it the energy of balance due to it having equal hours of night and day. This is a perfect time to be talking about power as balance is fundamental to managing power with awareness and grace.
Power dynamics are inherently unequal – one position holds the control (‘power over’) while the other is under that control (the ‘power down’ position). Acknowledging and understanding the responsibilities that come with holding power is needed to avoid further exacerbating inequality. A lack of awareness around these responsibilities runs the risk of disadvantaging and exploiting others and creating harm. In the power down position being alert to the potential for abuse of power can help avoid harm.
Life is largely about balancing what we need and want with how we get it. The need and desire for power is hardwired into us as human animals. The quest to attain and maintain power is a survival instinct and lies at the heart of almost all animal societies. The subtle, and not so subtle, ways that animals seek and maintain power over their peers is evident from the oceans to the savannah, as well as in your own back garden.
Given then that the desire for power is a primal instinct it is unsurprising that so much behaviour around power dynamics is unconscious. However, being human means that we have the ability to discern and reflect so it is incumbent upon us to approach our responsibilities around power with honesty, integrity and conscious awareness. Understanding that power is a position of privilege and that our actions and behaviours can significantly affect others is a responsibility we accept when we step into positions of power.
Power is complex and multi-layered. It is essentially about control – who we have control over and who or what has control over us. We are constantly and simultaneously in flow and flux, navigating the discomfort around our lack of control in some parts of life while claiming control in others. This tension can create all types of exceptional and exceptionally poor behaviour.
Some openly seek power over others. This is not necessarily a negative desire but how we go about attaining that power and what we do with it once we have it is a test of self-awareness, integrity and the ability to empathise. Research has shown that as we gain more control our capacity for empathy and compassion reduces, making it absolutely vital that those in positions of power recognise and are alert to how their actions affect others. Without regulation, exerting control can give rise to coercive and even abusive behaviours in the form of negative words or treatment like bullying, humiliation, or isolation.
Receiving honest feedback about how we hold power is necessary to keeping us in integrity. Feedback from a trusted source such as mentor, colleague or friend helps to bring light to the potential shadow sides of our behaviour that we cannot see ourselves.
There is an art to holding power over others gracefully. Understanding that holding a position of privilege and using it to empower others is to use power ethically. Toxic power is the opposite of this and is unfortunately very common.
The answer to why we tolerate toxic behaviour is once again a primal instinct. For our ancestors being accepted as part of the group or tribe was to be safe. Isolation was a threat to survival. Our ancient and deep-seated need for safety, to belong and be loved, can result in us enduring the toxic actions and behaviours of others, over which we have no control.
While we may rationally understand that we have choice about the interactions we have, our nervous systems still hold the belief that to be safe we need to be included at all costs.
Toxic behaviour shows up in all aspects of life and is particularly prevalent in romantic and work relationships. Initially it can be hard to spot, especially if it is normalised through marketing, the news cycle, the speed of life, and a multitude of commitments. However, none of these reasons excuse treating anyone with careless disrespect.
The onset of toxic power can be disguised as other things and occur over a long period of time. The gradual ‘creep’ of negativity projected on us by personal and professional relationships can have us judging ourselves for not measuring up, falling short and trying harder to fit in and be acceptable. Eventually we become aware that we are exhausted, stressed, anxious, depressed, or generally feeling like we are ‘not coping’. This can be a confusing and unsettling time and we can find ourselves searching our lives for clues as to why we suddenly do not feel like ourselves.
The nervous system is a sensitive and highly attuned internal alert system. It is constantly sending feedback to the body and brain about our environment to keep us safe and help us decide what action to take to manage threat or stress.
When we are exposed to stress the brain immediately initiates our fight or flight response to make us seek safety. Once the threat has passed the nervous system returns to equilibrium. For those in power down positions that are constantly exposed to toxic power it can be impossible to come out of the stress response, especially when fear of reprisal (in the form or job loss) means we are not in a position to fight or run away. Nervous system dysregulation occurs when the stress encountered is so sudden or intense that we cannot find our way back to equilibrium. Once dysregulated, it takes considerable time, effort, self-awareness, capacity and the right support to come back to balance. Reaching out for help, support and co-regulation is helpful for regaining mental health and wellbeing, coming back to balance and integrating the experience.
It can take time to understand the trigger for nervous system dysregulation and mental health distress. We tend to feel shame about not feeling able to cope so it often takes someone with a neutral perspective to suggest looking outside of ourselves for the source of our distress and consider what we are tolerating.
Life provides many opportunities for toxic power to emerge and the work environment is a good example. It is often said that people do not leave jobs, but poor management and leadership. Leaders that fail to monitor, check and take responsibility for poor behaviour and the fallout on employees contribute significantly to mental health harm. The lack of knowledge around the effects of poor behaviour and inappropriate use of power on mental wellbeing perpetuates a cycle where employees are anxious, burnt out, and barely coping, leading to increased sick and stress leave.
It is incumbent on managers, leaders and those in positions of power to educate themselves about nervous system dysregulation and how workplace actions and behaviours can cause distress, significantly affecting not just the work life of employees but their personal lives as well. Acknowledging the responsibilities of power is the first step, with a commitment to ongoing leadership education being the next in creating mentally healthier workplaces.
If you would like to discuss the power – how you manage it, give it away or your responsibilities around empowering others – Elisa offers one-to-one mentoring around power dynamics. Sessions exploring your individual experience with power dynamics and managing nervous system regulation are face to face in the Farnham area, or online.
Reflexology treatments promote the body’s natural ability to heal. Each of the body’s systems are mapped out on the soles of the feet and a session involves following this map to ensure each system is addressed in turn, creating a sense of equilibrium within the body.
A reiki session provides a sense of balance by aligning the subtle energy body and provides a deep sense of connection to ourselves, often allowing access to knowledge of the deepest needs and desires of our soul, which can be assistive during the process of getting clear on our priorities for 2025.
Elisa is a fully qualified and insured holistic therapist; she gained her diploma of reflexology in 2003 and was recognised as a reiki master / teacher in 2009. Elisa has gained extensive experience from working with a range of patient groups, including developing a specialism in palliative care.
